Useless
by flavumetrubrum
Summary: Takes place before the Garrison, at the Garrison, and somewhere during or after Season 5. Three moments in time that give us insight into why Lance is so deeply insecure.
1. Chapter 1

Lance hunches his shoulders as his father yells. He tries to shrink into himself, to escape the scathing words, but there is no escape from his father's anger. He knows that well by now. His father's large hand shoots out and grabs him by the chin, lifting his head so that he is looking directly into his father's face. It is bright red, and there's spittle at the corners of his mouth. "Look at me when I'm talking to you, you piece of shit," he growls, and his fingers dig into Lance's face painfully. His eyes well with tears, and his father snorts derisively. "It's useless," he sighs. He pushes Lance backwards, and he almost falls. "You're useless. I don't know what to do with you anymore. I give up." He turns to leave the room, but looks over his shoulder one more time. "Why can't you be more like your brothers? Such a disappointment." Lance cries when he's gone. It's not the first time he's heard those words from his father's lips, but he tries so hard to make him proud, tries so hard to make sure that each time will be the last time.

As it turns out, this is the last time. Less than a week later, his father leaves in the night and never comes home.

x

Lance holds his shoulder ramrod straight as Iverson yells. He's crashed the simulator, _again_ , and his eyes string with the effort of holding back tears. He's become an expert at holding them back, and he knows that nobody can tell, but he still feels shame that he has to work so hard to keep from crying when he's only being told things he already knows. He's been called into the office, so his friends aren't here to witness this, and for that he is utterly grateful. Somehow, they have yet to see him for what he really is. He'd like to keep it that way as long as possible.

"Utterly useless, this one," Iverson mutters, throwing his arms in the air dramatically. "I don't know what to do with you anymore. Can't even get through a basic simulation without fucking it all up. I don't know why the Garrison continues to waste precious resources on a worthless piece of shit like you." Suddenly he's in Lance's face, finger wagging less than an inch away from his nose. His face is red and there's spittle in the corners of his mouth, and Lance can't help but flinch. "Are you even listening to me, boy? Do you even care that you're an embarrassment to this institution? To me?" He places a hand on Lance's chest and shoves, hard, and Lance stumbles backward into the closed door. The knob catches him in the kidney, and he gasps and barely manages to stay on his feet. "Get out of my face. I give up, there's obviously nothing I can do to make you less of a waste of space. Such a shame we lost a talent like Keith Kogane and got you in his place. Such a disappointment."

Lance manages not to cry as he walks back to his dorm room, but only just. He's painfully familiar with the words, but they still hurt even after all this time.

x

Lance stands tall and rigid while Shiro yells, but he can't meet his gaze. His heart thumps painfully in his chest, and shame burns his cheeks. He's not even sure what he did wrong, but Shiro's temper has been on a hair trigger lately and Lance is sure he deserves it, anyway. The rest of the team is there to witness his tongue-lashing, and Lance's stomach churns with embarrassment. "How are we supposed to function as a team if we can't count on you to have our backs? I can't even fathom how you could leave Allura unprotected like that." Oh, so that was it. She had called for help, and he had been so busy taking out the ion cannons that he had left it to someone else to come to her aid. Fucking stupid. Of course he should have been there for his teammate.

"Shiro, I don't think you're being fair-" Hunk starts, and Lance is grateful for the attempt, but Shiro cuts him off.

"If anything I'm going too easy on him!" he continues, throwing his arms up in the air. "If we don't have each other's backs, how can any of us do what needs to be done? Allura could have been hurt, or worse, and you didn't even lift a finger to help. When Keith was Red Paladin, he never would have left a teammate in danger like that." He's stopped pacing and stands a couple feet in front of Lance, facing him dead-on. "What were you thinking? Were you so caught up in showing off that you weren't paying attention? Did you turn your comms off? Do you not care about keeping your teammates safe?"

"Shiro," Allura says softly, but with warning, but he continues unfazed.

"Or are you just that fucking useless?"

Quiet gasps fill the room as the truth is finally laid out in the open for them all to see. He's not sure how he's managed to keep it a secret all this time, but leave it to Shiro to finally see through him. His eyes burn, and a lump forms in his throat, but he remains calm.

Shiro takes a step toward him, hand outstretched, and Lance can't help it - he flinches away from the movement. His cheeks flush, and he finally looks up to meet Shiro's eyes. He means to apologize for fucking up, for overreacting, for being a worthless piece of shit, but he's stopped dead in his tracks when he sees horror and regret in Shiro's gaze.

His hand still hovers in midair, but he is unmoving. He glances between his hand and Lance several times, then his hand drops like dead weight. "Lance, I… I'm so sorry, I didn't mean… I didn't mean that. That wasn't fair. He glances at his hand again. "I would never… you know I would never…?"

He can't seem to get a full thought out, and Lance can't handle any more embarrassment. He's also overcome with the need to make Shiro feel better, because he's been under a lot of pressure lately and he was only speaking the truth, anyway. He decides to make a joke out of it, his go-to defense mechanism, and he manages a wobbly smile. "It's okay, Shiro, I promise. I was just hoping you wouldn't notice."

He knows as soon as the words leave his lips that he's fucked up, he's revealed too much, there's no humor in his voice, only heartbreak. Shiro sucks in a surprised breath, and his face crumbles. Lance forces out a laugh, but it's more of a sob, and he starts backing up toward the door. "I'm sorry, really, it won't happen again," he mumbles, and before anyone can fully process what just happened, he's down the hall and disappearing into his room.


	2. Chapter 2

Lance's mami kisses his bruises, their tears mingling together on their faces. "Lancito, mi amor, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry he hurt you, I promise I won't let him hurt you anymore." He sniffles, his little hands crumpling the front of her blouse. His father is gone, and it's his fault. Yet his mother comforts him. "You are everything to me, mijo, you are worth so much. I'm so sorry I let him hurt you for so long." Lance sobs, the guilt eating away at him. He wants to believe her, wants it so desperately, but he knows the truth. He's heard the truth so many times. He curls in a ball in his mother's lap, hiding his face. He won't tell her he knows she's lying. He doesn't want to hurt her. But he knows, he knows that he drove his father away with his uselessness, knows that on some level his mother, and his siblings, resent him for this.

x

Hunk tries so hard to cheer him up, and Lance appreciates it, he really does. They sit in their shared dorm room, both crowded onto Lance's bed as they pretend to study. Hunk knows Lance was pulled into Iverson's office, and he knows it didn't go well, but Lance has spared him the details. There's no sense in dragging his best friend down with him. He knows he's already holding him and Pidge back, and the shame is physically painful. Hunk keeps cracking jokes, and trying to goad Lance into replying in kind, but Lance can barely even manage a small smile. He doesn't deserve a friend like Hunk, and Hunk doesn't deserve to have to drag around his dead weight.

"Hey, Buddy?" Hunk says, suddenly serious.

"Huh?" Lance finally meets his eye.

"He's just a jerk, okay? You're a good pilot. You're a great pilot. There's a reason you were the one who got bumped up to fighter class. Iverson is just an ass."

Lance nods, and manages a small smile, and that seems to be enough to convince Hunk that he believes him. But he doesn't. He knows better. Iverson isn't the first person to tell him he's useless. It's not random.

x

Of all people, it's Keith who knocks on his door about fifteen minutes later. Lance had forgotten that Keith was coming for a visit, and his stomach drops. Had he witnessed what had happened? Had the others told him?

He opens the door, a fake grin plastered on his face. "Keith, buddy, so good to see you!" Even to his own ears, his voice sounds strained.

Keith is frowning deeply, eyeing him with concern, and Lance knows immediately that he knows. His heart sinks, and his face falls. Without a word, Keith brushes past Lance and takes a seat on the bed. Lance closes the door behind them and locks it before taking a seat next to Keith.

They sit in silence for a while, Keith obviously trying to figure out what to say. Eventually, he breaks the silence. "I heard what happened. Coran and I were leaving the docking bay, and the comms were still open." He clears his throat. "Shiro, uh… Shiro fucked up, big time. I don't know what's gotten into him, but the others are dealing with him right now." Lance remains silent, and Keith squirms. "You, uh… you know he was wrong, right?"

Lance shoots him a sidelong glance, and Keith is staring at him intently. Lance tries to answer, to reassure his friend, but his voice sticks in his throat. He looks away, eyes burning. He feels shame, because Keith is witnessing his weakness, Keith who has always been everything Lance wants to be.

Keith releases a heartbroken sigh. "He's so wrong, Lance." A tear drips down Lance's cheek. He remains completely still. "I'm going to tell you what I should have told you when Shiro came back. You are a valuable member of this team. You bring things to the table that none of the rest of us can - your sharpshooting, your versatility, your creativity - and we all rely on you so heavily. I don't think any of us could do this without you. You supported me when I doubted myself as the Black Paladin, and you support me still even though I'm no longer a Paladin. I know Shiro counts on you the same way I did, even if he's terrible at showing that."

Another tear escapes Lance's eyes. He wants it to be true, but Keith doesn't know. Keith hasn't heard the other times Shiro has cut him down, hasn't witnessed Shiro continually disregarding his advice and his counsel. Shiro has no use for Lance.

Keith places a hesitant hand on Lance's shoulder. "I'm not good at expressing my emotions. I'm sorry I let you think we don't value you. We do. Even if Shiro can't see how brave and talented and dedicated you are, the rest of us do. We need you, Lance. I hope you can believe me."

Lance meets his eyes, and there's so much hope and heartache there that Lance forces a smile and wipes his face dry. "Thanks, Keith. That means a lot. I had a bad day, but I'm okay. I promise."

Keith smiles, relieved. "Okay," he says, and Lance can tell that he believes him. He almost wishes he doesn't, but he can't take it back now. Instead, he stands up and begins to take off his armor.

"You can head back out to the others if you'd like. I'll be along in a few minutes. I think Hunk has something special planned for dinner."

Keith hesitates for only a moment before he complies. "Okay. I'll see you out there." The door swishes closed behind him, and he's gone. Lance releases a shaky breath. At least Shiro seems to be the only one who sees through him. He can live with that.


End file.
